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GeoFly
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Name: Shirley
Gender: Female
Interests: animals, people, things.
I have many personalities. None of which satisfy me btw, and I still can't settle on one. I'm very erractic, confusing, and I awkwardly laugh a lot when I'm nervous.
Something good about me? Hm...well I enjoy others' company and I listen to people as much as I can. I try to be a good friend =]
Expertise: decieving....lol
Occupation: Nature Trailist
Industry: cute/scary/funny animals inc.
Message: message me
AIM:  Monocour
Yahoo:  veggiepom
Member Since:
1/24/2007
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| I don't know how to get better. I still can't trust people, I just realized, I can' forget about things that have happened and they're still scarred in my mind. Everyone hates me and saying sorry a millions times won't help because I'm such a bad person inside..
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| I don't know why. I feel different. Surprisingly I don't feel abandoned anymore, but...released. I don't feel the pressure to keeping things to myself or anticipate what others are thinking about me. The world seems more accepting, people around look different. I have more to offer and not giving a shit isn't a cool thing anymore. I can advocate life, friendship, love, things that were suppressed from me before. Its like I'm starting over and it feels...good. I feel like being honest and I feel that others are being honest.
Its really weird cause not that long ago I didn't let anyone into my life, but now that I have an assurance that I don't have much to offer, I know the people who approach me don't want anything from me. They just want to talk, or get to know me, its just bonding. It feels new but I think I like it.
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| I had....a little bit of faith. I thought, maybe, just maybe, everything I've been working on up until now really meant something. Now that little bit of faith is gone.
I thought that maybe I shouldn't have, that it wasn't necessary and that little bumps come up on the road and that I should ignore them, cause I've ignored them all the time. But now that I've learned to not take shit anymore I've also learned that what I did was right. I was so right about them. I didn't want to be right so badly, but I am.
I didn't lose anything. I've simply figured out who really cared about me and who's been using me. Turns out some of the people that I TRUSTED most....the people I thought I had real ties with, were actually taking a big fat shit on my gulliable, stupid, naive face. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm SO FUCKING STUPID. I've never hated myself more than now. I feel SO humiliated.
Now all I have to do is suck it up and learn. Keep up my guard before I can learn to trust again. And move on.
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| Maybe its my fault for being a dick to some people or showing my insecurities around them. I guess when you finally think that the closest people around you can come around to understand what you're going through you're only going to be left in the dirt once again. I've always been abandoned at times of need both in my family and at school. But I've never been abandoned at exactly the peak of vulnerability after finally establishing what seemed to be a mutual friendship or love. I've been abandoned, I've been depressed, lonely, suicidal, fucked in the ass but this is the first time I've ever felt hurt. Its the same as being lead on for what? 3 or so years and then having the same people who held your hand jack your shit, stab you in the eyes and rob you of your dignity.
I know what but not why. The what: we don't like you. The why: because you... I've never gone through a situation where it wasn't my fault. Thats why I feel guilty ALL the fucking time.The why usually consisted of "Because you. (enter minute personality faulty)... and then thats the end. I don't want to sound like a helpless victim of my misfortunes but I think thats what I get for letting my guard down to anyone really. I'm just too fucking easy. If I was pretty I would've been raped at least 10 times in one week. I trust people too easily and maybe I shouldn't anymore. Is part of growing up learning how to build walls and be fake to one another? Thats what it seems like to me. I'm never going to post another blog saying "someone please help me" because I can't' accept anything anymore. Open hands are just open traps for being chained to a "friends with benefits" agenda.
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| You know what makes a guy hot? I think its cool when a guy doesn't care about what people think of him while also being totally himself. Like, he'll let a girl put makeup on him or wear a dress and not be totally self conscious. Especially if its just with a group of friends because like, who cares? We're just having fun and you're a pussy for refusing to shake your ass cause you were dared to. Not caring about trivial things like that only shows that you're comfortable with your sexuality. I think a HUGE turn off for me in a guy is if he's a total homophobe who will get out of his way to "prove" he's not gay by criticizing other guys for being "hella gay" or whatever. Being comfortable with your sexuality also goes towards your emission of confidence, which brings me to my next thing.
There is a line between confidence and cockiness. Its not that fine of a line in my opinion because people who are cocky have to waste their breath and energy to boast whereas if you were just confident then why brag? If you know you're the shit then you're the only one that needs to know. I feel that people who talk hella shit show that they're insecure or just straight up narcasisstic and egoistic. Its not attractive. I don't know about others but I tend to lose respect for really overconfident people as opposed to those who are more humble. Also there's a line between humble and just being a wuss. Some people think that backing down will make themselves look like a pussy but thats not always the case. Sometimes you just gotta realize that you have to be mature and retain collectiveness while it seems like you're being shat on. Cause you know you're right so in the end, you're the better man. Its just that simple. And even if you're wrong, just except it and LEARN. Thats part of the growing process.
Anyway, when girls say they like a cocky guy, they mean confident, not a hot headed sore loser. word.
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